10 ways of dealing with
Stepchildren:
1. Don't expect too much too soon. You will not gain instant
acceptance. A
Stepfamily is created from
loss, so there is a lot of
grief and
pain that needs to be dealt with before true acceptance can begin.
2. Don't become a
disciplinarian to your
Stepchildren too soon. It takes some very careful planning with your
spouse to create a new set of rules and a new
philosophy for dealing with a
blended family. It also takes trust; both from the
parents and the
children. Take it slowly, be
patient and don't make the mistake of saying: "Don't make me tell your
mother/
father!".
3. Create a plan that treats the full-time children and the part-time children fairly.
Stability and
structure will provide
security to children (and adults!) who are recovering from divorce. Don't be a "
Disneyland Parent". If something goes wrong, treat all of the children in a
consistent manner.
4. BE CONSISTENT! When you make a rule, stick to it! Follow through with
everything. If you
slack, there will be problems.
5. Make consequences and rewards. A rule of physics: "
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction." The same goes with good and bad
behavior. If you create well-defined
consequences for bad behavior there will be no second guessing or contradictions. The same goes for good behavior. This is also a good way for a
Stepparent to begin working with discipline. The goal here is to teach children to
self-discipline...then there will be no need for consequences.
6. Make new
rituals. You are a new family! Create something new as a family. Go out to
breakfast every
Sunday. Go fishing on a certain holiday. Do something that wasn't done in the previous families. Make the Stepfamily yours and
bond with new
traditions.
7. Be an adult. If your Stepchild screams "I hate you!", don't scream "I hate you too!". You are an adult, act like one. You must disconnect from instant
anger. It's okay to voice frustration, but don't do it out of anger. Do not let the children get to you. If they are, then put some distance between you and them until you can get a better handle on your
emotions.
8. Let them know your feelings. Hopefully you have the desire to love your Stepchildren. If you don't, you haven't got a prayer! It's not hard to love...just let yourself do it. Tell them you love them, but don't expect to hear it back. Just do it for you. They'll reward you when they're ready.
9. Let them call you what they want--as long as it's respectful. If they want to call you by your first name, LET THEM! Don't make them call you
Daddy (they already have one). They will find a name for you, accept it and be happy.
10. NEVER, NEVER talk badly about their other parent! Sure, their dad may be a
drunk, mom may be a
crack whore...so what. To the children, their parents are probably gods. Respect their feelings for their parents, to do less will only harm you.
Try this and see where it takes you.