and Lunar Ephemeris
with the True Aspects of the Nodes

Using the Very Latest

For the Year
of the Christian Era (Anno Domini)

New moon 2nd, 20:23; first quarter 10th, 13:15; full moon 18th, 10:48; last quarter 25th, 08:33

The New York noder gathering ends with minor damage to private property and public monuments as it gets busted by the SPCA for animal abuse. Nobody is found to post bail for thefez but he escapes through the sewer system. Several monkeys are rescued and taken to an animal shelter, where the staff are surprised at the females' sexual orientation.

Eleven noders are lost in an avalanche of debates on whether the new year has any significance or is a completely arbitrary date for mere calendary convenience. Elite administrator Roninspoon is dispatched along with a trained hound on a mission to rescue them but the dog returns alone. A note tied to its collar reads "DO NOT TRY TO FIND US. WE ARE FREE."

New moon 1st, 10:48; first quarter 9th, 11:11; full moon 16th, 23:51; last quarter 23rd, 16:46

Chinese noders make their point about calendars and usher in 4701, the Year of the Sheep, with an impressive display of soy-based art. EDB is dressed in a dragon suit and paraded around the catbox. Several level one noders go missing in the course of the spectacle but nobody dares to ask questions while the beast is loose.

All E2 servers crash at once when JayBonci implements a new version without XP and votes. Puzzled noders huddle on #e waiting for the storm to blow over. Node commandos Segnbora-t and Pseudo_Intellectual are sent to dig their way into the server room and recover the missing XP from the bit bucket. Jay is electronically tagged and warned not to do it again, or else.

New moon 3rd, 02:35; first quarter 11th, 07:15; full moon 18th, 10:34; last quarter 25th, 1:51

Butterfinger McFlurry is given its 100th C! by Demeter. Attempts to contact her for an explanation are met with profanity and insults from someone claiming to be her Filipino housemaid. "You come here, I show you macfurry!" The housemaid's highly topical English accent raises suspicions.

arcanamundi and Ouroboros elope to Canada. Their claim that it was just a chymical wedding convinces no one. Apparently things started going wrong when someone channeled Aleister Crowley instead of Little Richard to perform the ceremony. Lucy-S is engaged as a marriage counsellor; her last words are reported to have been "GET THEM OFF ME!"

New moon 1st, 19:19; first quarter 9th, 23:40; full moon 16th, 19:36; last quarter 23rd, 12:18

April Fools Day this year involves changing all node titles to references to jessicapierce's thermally enhanced posterior, Jet-Poop's multiple personalities, and showering with Pseudo_Intellectual. Five noders are mortally offended by the fact that their names were not used for the joke and quit the site. anthropod hires haze and files a civil rights lawsuit.

SEF and evilrooster declare EasterBunny to be the new E2 messiah and the trio is ruthlessly persecuted by dem bones. They escape but are smitten by clampe and a mob of angry Jewish noders led by Metacognizant. Lord Brawl arrests everyone and asks the catbox whom he should set free. The ensuing vote results in karmaflux being pardoned and having his borg count reset to zero.

New moon 1st, 12:15; first quarter 9th, 11:53; full moon 16th, 03:36; last quarter 23rd, 00:31; new moon 31st, 04:20
Total lunar eclipse on the 16th of May at 03:40, in the 25th degree of Scorpio;
Annular solar eclipse on the 31st of May at 04:08 in the 9th degree of Gemini; visible in the far north Atlantic

An assassination attempt against Klaproth is foiled by the heroic intervention of his close friend, Viking editor liveforever. Two disgruntled level two noders are caught and sentenced to clean the M-Noder Washroom in perpetuity. Cool Man Eddie comments, "yo, that was not cool."

All editors with bird and animal usernames suddenly disappear. The whereabouts of iceowl, flamingweasel, NinjaPenguin, Blue_Bellied_Lizard, bluebear and Chihuahua Grub are unknown, until they're found at the Berlin Zoo, to which they were sold by Teiresias. Zookeepers state that TallRoo was considered for purchase but they were unsure of his animal nature. A representation led by top diplomat Starke is negotiating their return. An offer by sneff to intervene is refused, as we're aware of his culinary past and don't trust his motives.

First quarter 7th, 20:28; full moon 14th, 11:16; last quarter 21st, 14:45; new moon 29th, 18:39

panamaus deletes Webster's Ralph. The popular revolt that follows almost topples the administration but, in the end, is put down violently by an alliance of E2 outies and ninjagirls in high heels and leather bustiers. Depending on location, the instigators are divided between Wuukiee's dungeon and wertperch's oubliette. None of them are heard of again but the meat pie bake-off soon afterwards is a resounding success.

O'Reilly and Associates publish Noding For Dummies. Within days, the Blockstackers Inc. offices are swamped by jointed window dummies with realistic nipples. Efforts to turn them away fail but the following week the sex doll market on eBay collapses due to an unknown seller in Michigan dumping vast amounts of goods for shipping cost only. Sales of Cooling Nodes For Dummies and Nodevertising for Dummies also take off.

First quarter 7th, 02:32; full moon 13th, 19:21; last quarter 21st, 07:01; new moon 29th, 06:53

zot-fot-piq hosts the third annual HOT DAMN with 215 noders attending. His parents are not pleased, engage the services of a bus company and cart them all off to summer camp, where thefez, cbustapeck and WonkoDSane are arrested for indecent exposure.

Jurph is apprehended in flagrante delicto while torturing nocte with the clown joke. He is turned over to oenone for punishment. [After that, the crystal ball turned a kind of hazy red colour.]

First quarter 5th, 07:28; full moon 12th, 04:48; last quarter 20th, 00:48; new moon 27th, 17:26

The Custodian publishes a coffee table book comprised entirely of E2 day logs. Critics are underwhelmed. "Everything? What if aliens came to earth after civilisation ended and all they found was this book?" asks one reviewer, "Is this what we want them to know about our lives and culture?" Boston noders report sightings of a spectral form resembling wharfinger.

Another Everything Civil War is narrowly averted in the wake of the Footprints declaration. Footprints retreats from his demand for complete world domination. The administration compromises by offering him a small island in Vanuatu, with the suggestion that he establish residence there. A deal is reached on a small flat in London with a broadband connection. Everyone celebrates peace by going to Gritchka's and getting wasted.

First quarter 3rd, 12:34; full moon 10th, 16:36; last quarter 18th, 19:03; new moon 26th, 03:09

amnesiac gives his nodes to the poor and becomes a sufi in Milton Keynes. Noders from all over the UK flock to him for his sage advice on beating the system and his matchless matchmaking skills. As a result, the number of eligible noders falls dramatically. Get yours now!

It's Bring Your Dad day on E2. Unsuspecting noders invite their parental units to join them for a pleasant day of family noding, and to find out why the devil their kids' phones are always busy. Some of the more inquisitive parents find their way into the catbox and to junior's writeup list. At least four noders die of embarassment. Seven more are disowned. ascorbic swears never to touch a computer again.

First quarter 2nd, 19:09; full moon 10th, 07:27; last quarter 18th, 12:31; new moon 25th, 12:50

The Illinois soybean harvest results in a bumper crop and much rejoicing. Farmers are overheard chanting "SOY MAKES YOU STRONG. STRENGTH CRUSHES ENEMIES," and speaking of a great leader known only as "The Fez." A Muslim fundamentalist connection is suspected but cannot be proven. thefez is arrested anyway, just in case.

Another cult is discovered in nearby Iowa, where members pledge allegiance to a mysterious divinity called the Lucid Natch. Cult members land themselves in hot water for stealing Alaskan wildlife when they're found making caribou sacrifices. SharQ sets out to make a photodocumentary about the cult and ends up becoming its high priest. The deity changes its name and the cult goes underground. We live in fear.

First quarter 1st, 04:24; full moon 9th, 01:13; last quarter 17th, 04:15; new moon 23rd, 22:59; first quarter 30th, 17:16
Total lunar eclipse on the 9th of November at 01:18 in the 16th degree of Taurus
Total solar eclipse on the 23rd of November at 22:49 in the 1st degree of Sagittarius; visible from eastern Antarctica

Courting the Killer is published as a book and hits #1 on the New York Times bestseller list. It's then made into a movie directed by riverrun and starring Russell Crowe, and into a puppet show produced by TheDeadGuy.

dannye announces his candidacy for the 2004 Republican presidential nomination and retires from E2. "I've been hanging around you pinko commie liberals far too long," he is quoted as saying, "and I speak better English than Dubya." Among his campaign promises are the immediate deportation of troublesome aliens such as caknuck, Apatrix and Frankie, and a ban on the nefarious practice of "nodeshelling." His campaign falters when it's discovered that the campaign manifesto was written on the back of the blueprint for a suspicious commune called "Everything, Kansas."

Full moon 8th, 20:37; last quarter 16th, 07:42; new moon 23rd, 09:43; first quarter 30th, 10:03

This year's Secret Santa is conducted by ideath and all presents are to be sent to her for distribution. Participants are asked to label fragile items "DO NOT JUGGLE." Everything not thusly labelled gets juggled and the presents are randomly distributed after Glowing Fish steps on her stack of mailing labels. The noder who received TheBooBooKitty in a box with breathing holes is kindly asked to please send him back.

thefez is arrested for inviting noders to New York again.

All times in UTC. Any resemblance to actual noders is as coincidental as I can get away with claiming it to be.
This writeup is composed entirely of inside jokes and is certified to include every non-apiary meme in use at the time of writing. It is, therefore, not intended to be a model for future E2 submissions, particularly by new users. Nate be with you.

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