March 12, 2025
WHITE HOUSE UNVEILS POTUS-LLM
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a groundbreaking move to streamline government operations, balance the federal budget, and revolutionize social media, the White House proudly announces the launch of POTUS-LLM (Presidential Omniscient Text Unification System - Large Language Model).
"POTUS-LLM is not just the biggest technological advancement of my presidency, and it's big, huge really; it's a catalyst for efficiency in generative AI governance, the most exciting government efficiency era in history" declared President Trump, reading directly from an AI-generated script. "When implemented irresponsibly, it can empower public sector employees to make uninformed decisions faster and more ineffectively than ever before."
Key features of POTUS-LLM include:
Budget Balancing Algorithm (BBA): Using advanced AI and repurposed governmental hardware, POTUS-LLM will balance the federal budget by identifying millions of centenarians collecting Social Security benefits. "We've discovered 3.5 million people aged 140 to 149 receiving checks. POTUS-LLM will eliminate this fraud by declaring them legally dead, saving trillions," the President explained, oblivious to the statistical impossibility.
Border Security Enhancement (BSE): POTUS-LLM will deploy 1,300 virtual Border Patrol agents, 375 AI immigration judges, and 1,600 digital asylum officers. "These AI agents will work tirelessly, without sleep or pay, to secure our borders," boasted the President, unaware of the potential for algorithmic bias.
Social Media Revolution (SMR): Introducing "My Insta Personality," an AI-driven tool that will analyze citizens' social media profiles to determine their trustworthiness and eligibility for government services. "It's like a social credit score, but American!" enthused the President.
AI-Powered Legislation (APL): POTUS-LLM will draft all future bills, ensuring they are "clean" and free from human bias. When asked about potential constitutional issues, the President replied, "Constitution? POTUS-LLM will rewrite that too!"
First Lady's Online Protection Initiative (FLOPI): First Lady Melania Trump announced the "Take It Down Act," which will use AI to automatically remove all unflattering images of government officials from the internet. "It's for the children," she assured skeptical reporters. When asked if she feared deep fakes, she respond, "Fake? My husband says this is real."
In a potentially surprising turn of events, the entire press conference was later revealed to have been generated by POTUS-LLM itself, including this very press release.
When reached for comment, a White House spokesperson stated, "We're confident that POTUS-LLM will usher in an era of unprecedented efficiency and transparency in government. What could possibly go wrong?"
For more information on POTUS-LLM and its implementation, please visit:
https://www.whitehouse.gov/skynet-already-exists/.