Hi, my name is Rudy Giuliani, former mayor of New York City. You may remember me from such historic events as the September 11th Attacks! I was the one that was on your televisions standing behind a podium, looking all concerned but sternly in control of a situation that was fundamentally out of my control. Remember that? Remember how I was on the television? Boy, I sure was all over the television that day! I just stood up there and said "we're going to rebuild" and "we won't let the terrorists win" even though realistically I just said some stuff to make everyone feel better, and all of you thought to yourselves, "wow, what a nice guy. I bet he's a great mayor."
Well, now I'm running for President of the United States of America! Do you know why? Because I was mayor of New York City on September 11th! I was on television that day, remember? I said all of those reassuring things, and you all fell in love with me. Wouldn't I make a great president? Of course I would! Because I was mayor of New York City on September 11th!
Most of you didn't really know anything about me before I was all over the airwaves on September 11th. Especially you folks who live in the Midwest, who only know my name because you saw me on television. That's okay! None of that really matters, because I was mayor of New York City on September 11th! Remember that? I was on the tee-vee and everything! I'm obviously a good choice to be president!
Some folks say I was a bad mayor. How could I have been a bad mayor? If I was a bad mayor, they would never have put me on your television, right? See, it doesn't make any sense.
I kept New York City very extra safe! I was the one that made sure all of those cops were on the street! Sure, some people will say that my over-deployment of the police throughout New York City created a fascist atmosphere during my administration, and that the drop in the crime rate was part of a nation-wide decline in violent crimes. Those people are crazy! Don't they know I was on television on September 11th? What's that? Amadou Diallo? Abner Louima? Patrick Dorismond? I don't know what you're talking about.
I also made New York City a tourist mecca! Who doesn't want to go to Times Square and see all of those shiny lights! They're extra-sparkly! It's so much better than all of those nasty, naughty peep-show theaters and independent electronics stores! I got rid of all of that filth! Instead of all of that naughty, disgusting, nasty stuff, now there's Mickey Mouse, a Bubba Gump, a WWE store, and a three-story McDonald's! It's franchised and sanitized, so everyone is extra-safe! It's so much fun to look at all those sparkly lights and be good little consumers! And it was all because of me! It had nothing to do with a nation-wide improvement in the economy.
I am a firm believer in the arts! I love me some of that television. I think the television is a great source or art. We don't need any of those studios that display art that I don't agree with. Why would we, when we've got television! Remember when I was on the television, and you all saw me, and I was like "I don't know what's happening" but I looked all concerned? That was great, right? See, we don't need any of those other art exhibits!
In fact, why not just put me on television all the time, and then we won't need the press. They won't need to ask any silly questions. I'll just get on the television and tell you what's going on! Won't that be much simpler? After all, you all loved me when I was on the television on September 11th, so that will be okay if I'm the only one on television from now on, right?
I'm really good with money! After September 11th, I had the folks at the World Trade Center dig up a bunch of gold and silver that was just sitting in a vault down at the bottom of the rubble! We didn't let any human remains get in the way of getting out all that gold! Imagine what I could do with the federal budget if I was president. I wouldn't let anything get between me *cough* I mean, the government and the money it rightly deserves!
So vote for me, Rudy Giuliani! And remember: I was on the tee-vee!
While I am obviously writing for an audience, there's an important point in there. Please, I beg all of you, get as many facts as you can before you step to your polling places, folks. Ignorant voters can make things worse.