I've not done a
dream log before, so please bear with me if it is somehow improper in its style.
Last night's, or rather day's, dreams were
reminiscent of previous dreams I have had which have disturbed me a great deal. Although those dreams, involving
breathtaking scenery and the
fear of death, were quite interesting, they are not the topic here. The dream that I had this day involved a loved one and the
loss thereof.
In
April of this year I had the misfortune of facing the end of a
strong relationship with my
significant other. It was her wish and I although I was wont to be with her, it was not meant to be. I moved out, and she cut off all contact with me. There is, of course, more to it, but I'll spare you the other details.
My dream began with
the pain of that loss. We had already separated, and I was in the process of moving my things back to my apartment. It was the day after the separation, and it was particularly bright--not in a clear way, but more of an
ambient way. The sun was undoubtedly shining, but the light was white and the air hazy with white, much as I imagine a
heaven, if there is one, to be. I was in her apartment, alone, moving my things. I was pained and moved with a heavy heart, not wanting to remove myself from this life that I had been living.
She suddenly returned home and was in a happy mood. I was very hurt and did not want to see her being happy--the reminder that she could live without me wasn't something I could face. She approached me and
placed her hand on my face. She dropped her smile, and apologized.
I'm sorry, she said.
I love you, Mike. I shouldn't have done that. I want to be with you, I want to try. I was reluctant and didn't want to believe her. Whether it was cynicism,
the unknown knowledge that in reality she did not want to, nor did she, try, or the fear of pain, I resisted.
I love you.
It echoed in my ears.
It reverberated in my heart.
It filled my eyes with tears.
I love you too.
I'm not sure how many days the dream dragged on. She reminded me constantly of how sorry she was.
I did not care, though. I accepted it, and I accepted her.
I loved her and never wanted to lose her again. I was happy, blissful.
My heart burned brightly and warmly with happiness and love.
She was back. That was all that mattered, and though in my dream we had been separated for but a day, I felt
the relief of being loved again after five months.
I was scared by how
tenuous the relationship must be. I felt very frightened, like I didn't even know her anymore.
But I didn't care.
I loved.
I loved to no end.
I woke and nearly cried.
I do not love anymore.