Early this evening I am swamped with a wave of
bitterness. I hold
angry imaginary conversations in which I say
nasty venomous wounding things to her and to certain of my
so called friends whom I haven't seen for months.
And then it has passed and I am just
miserable. My flatmate arrives home so I
shut myself in my room and lie on my bed in the
suit that I haven't bothered to change out of.
I don't want to be here. I want to go away, away from here, away from everything, but
I don't have anywhere to go. I want to
run away to somewhere new but I know that if I did it would just be
me in another place. Besides, sometimes
I love this city.
My flatmate turns on the stereo in the lounge and I can hear him banging around in the kitchen. I decide to go out and get some dinner, mainly just to
get out of here for a while. I open my door, walk straight out and head downstairs. Then my knees sort of
buckle under me and the next thing I know I'm sitting halfway down the stairs with
tears making slow tracks down my face again. After a minute the
fear(
hope?) that someone will come out of one of the apartments and find me like this motivates me to haul myself up and
keep moving. I trudge slowly down
Toorak road. I have no idea where I am going, I am just walking.
Then I see
Nando's across the road and I decide to get a
chicken burger and go eat it alone in the park or something. I cross the road and go in. The
guy behind the counter greets me cheerily and asks me how I am.
'
Pretty Good Thanks' I say.