That icky feeling when a client calls with a downed server and you have no clue how to fix it (idea)

Here's what to do:

1. DON'T PANIC! Take a deep breath and remember that it's not your server that's down.
2. Put them on hold, immediately. This is important. From experience I know that it is ten times as difficult to fix a problem with a customer yammering in your ear. They will inevitably distract you with irrelevancies: how much money they are paying for your service, questions about software that you haven't touched for years ("So would you recommend Windows 95 or Windows 98 for my home machine?"), amusingly innacurate guesses as to what the problem is.
3. Check the obvious things first. Do not assume that the customer has, or that they did it right if they did.
4. Trust your intuition. If you get a feeling that you should check such-and-such a system, it's worth a look.
5. If you can't figure it out, take the client off hold and lie. Tell them it's a hardware problem and you'll need more time. Get them off the phone at all costs. Then go to lunch.