These days I’m restless my thoughts are all over the place; like million people are talking in my brain and I don’t know which one to listen. My brain is impulsive, witty and naughty these days; playing with me up and downs..and I feel tired, confused and lost in my own thoughts..no recollection of whatsoever what was I thinking about a minute ago. There is always another topic for Grand Jury to discuss behind me, deliberately…The day started with rain, and then sun came up and then rain wind..I think sky is also like me; doesn’t know what to do..all at once, everything at once coming and leaving..It’s quite hard to keep up with myself, hard to focus, think thoroughly, write..started three essays and ended up in the middle…yeah my brain is little bit f** up and I don’t know how to treat. I realise; I miss having a conversation with someone, I miss my natives, my mates..It’s hard to live in a place that you’re an outsider and I’m usually an outsider..don’t easily fit in. Also, hard for me to miss people and things because they’re few and they’re also all around.
I love watching sky by the way, it has a very subtle comforting level on me; whenever or wherever I look up; I get the sense of someone watching over me. Clouds, stars, moon and moon is my love and it’s why I belong to night, I believe in night.I believe in dream world we find connection and link that ties us together. Hidden and unseen strings around the sphere..
I’m such a lousy romantic and most probably romantic. I wasn’t actually for a long time, but after a while something switch on and I became romantic..Sudden changes scares me but don’t show to others. It’s like walking with a mask that no-one can read. Anyhow yes these sort of emotional sudden changes are scary; makes you vulnerable..like I burst into tears so easily while watching anime. Who cries except me?! No one..Am I getting old? Yes for sure. But these random emotional bursts are awful; it’s like something controlling you and you have to embrace whatever comes at you.Not fight no no no..
Watching the wind hovering over tree leaves is also comforting and soothing; slow motion and poetic; dreamy and dance of leaves with each other, one another..
I’m still all day listening “Stabat Mater” by Andreas Scholl and Marco Rosano. It’s a 13th Century Christian Hymn not that I’m religious or anything but I find another comfort in opera and hymns maybe it’s because I don’t remember or my soul completely recall those days. It’s about suffering of Virgin Mary for Jesus. And I love the entrance of Juxta Crucem meaning 'Next to cross' and it’s says 'By the cross with you to stay, There with you to weep and pray, Is all ask of you to give.' Andreas Scholl is such a brilliant German Classic/Baroque Alto singer.
Anyhow; you should listen..!