The "essay" I wrote on the book:
Beloved
the fields of flowers. they're beautiful.
they're not yours.
yes they are. i have life.
you have responsibility. and you belong to me because life should have belonged to me.
i take the fields away from you.
why
because I can. and with justification. it is my right.
i gave birth to you, and i know this life. it was, then, my right as well.
no no no no no you had no right. you didn't kill yourself.
your young life had no payments due, and mine did.
does. you took my life. sweet retribution.
does my intent mean anything?
it is not your intent that i'm interested in. if you had not killed me, then it would have been your intent that
damned or blessed you. but your intent, know that you have acted, means nothing.
Actions do not speak louder than words- actions are more frequently misunderstood.
from your actions i see only the results, so your "words" do not make my situation better. i did not have the
option of life. you did not have the option of my life, but you had the ability to force my life to this.
ability does not mean right. rationalization does not make right.
i did that in the past. this is the future. i've suffered for you, i've paid you back-- it was the past.
i see only the past. my life is nothing but what happened in my past. you cannot rid me of what you have
done, and i will not rid you of what you have done.
you do not have to rid me of what i have done. i just ask that you not recreate it.
come now. you think i would exist without your regret? don't try to convince me. convince yourself.
i am what you think i am. what is the ghost of a dead child?
then leave me alone. i have suffered more in life than you have in death.
you sinned because you believe you have. i dare you to stop believing in your mistakes.
you say i am faultless without my past, and nothing without my past.
accept me. I want you to realize that you torment yourself. to whatever end truth brings us, at least know your conscience makes you alive. You brought me here, and you reminded me to be here. Which is worse- my wrath or the fact that you have the ability to end my wrath?
1 And I saw when the Lamb opened one of the seals, and I heard, as it were the noise of thunder, one of the four beasts saying, Come and see.
2 And I saw, and behold a white horse: and he that sat on him had a bow; and a crown was given unto him: and he went forth conquering, and to conquer.
I have killed. This is the righteousness, for not only have I spared a miserable life, I take responsiblitly for the wrongness of my actions. Forgive me oh Lord, for I have sinned.
4 And there went out another horse that was red: and power was given to him that sat thereon to take peace from earth, and that they should kill one another: and there was given unto him a great sword.
I will remember my sins, and my community shall punish me as well. This is just and good, as is Your way. Forgive me oh Lord, for I have sinned.
5 And when he had opened the third seal, I heard the third beast say, Come and see. And I beheld, and lo a black horse; and he that sat on him had a pair of balances in his hand.
I have remembered my sins, I have been miserable. Judgement came and went, oh Lord, have mercy upon on my soul. I have payed my debt. No, forgive me oh Lord, for I repent.
8 And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with the sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth.
Revelations 6:
You fight sin with sin. I have not only my repentence, but still your wrath. Forgive me oh Lord: I realize what I have done. Forgive me oh Lord: I have suffered.
THAT WASN'T YOU? IT WAS ME? aw hell. You don't care that I have suffered without you?
Well, that's why I gave you free will and all. The ability to repent, simply to spare yourself of Hell and my unhappiness with you... where's the value in that? It's all up to you. You sin with my name on your lips, and you shall thus die with my damnation upon your life. Try being genuinly repentent, for other reasons than to please me. Go ahead, please yourself. Leave judgement in my hands. I find this far more forgivable. Sin while speaking your own name, and repent without the threat of forgiveness. And there you will find my loving embrace. I may exist, but certainly my cruelty is only in your mind. The first and second are you, the third is judgement, and the fourth my vengence.
So what is this guilt plaguing you? Stop, or I might begin to believe that I exist.
Your devotion to me is your devotion to yourself. You need not see me in life, for misery will follow after or not at all. I am independent of you, if I exist at all. You love me because I am what you have seen, or thought you had seen, and you feel my forgiveness comes with your suffering. You can choose to run away from me, will choose to run away from me, and I shall leave. Your women will not drive me off, for they simply offer you a chance to leave me for life. Stop wanting me. Or shut the hell up about it. Don't worry, because the novelty of unhappiness will wear off.
This is not story to be passed on?
my sweet Beloved
they may forget you, but you will always come back. we love you, for we love ourselves.