For each daylog I post there are two or three others that sit in
scratch pads wondering if they will ever be released. Sometimes I wonder
why I write, then I have days like today and drive home thinking, I
should really do laundry, dishes, spend time with my girls, pay bills
and I have so many ideas racing through my mind I can't concentrate on
anything until some of them get safely into a scratch pad where they can't bother my brain anymore.
On the discussion board for tonight: can my job be saved? When I was
hired I couldn't believe it. After I found out that I was getting
promoted I drove home wondering if I had dreamed everything. The past
few months have been interesting. I am the kind of person who can say
anything about another person because there is no paper trail. My boss
is good at what she does. She is very busy and when people are busy it
is easy to see where their priorities lie. Her priority is not my
department, she also handles the outside sales force and that carries
demands beyond what we make on her time.
People who are busy have to have an effective organizational system
or things will start falling through the cracks. At work I know what I
am doing is important so when a woman who isn't my boss spoke to me
about why I had called an account I explained that the account had been
on my list. Tonight I stayed late talking to a Jewish woman who is a
dynamite closer but has some personality defects that make working with
her difficult if you do not know how to handle her.
This woman is savvy, she's been around and she's forgotten more than I
will ever know about the footwear industry. Formerly she was the
Customer Service Manager and I know that she gets frustrated because her
ideas are not taken seriously however I think I also know why people
have a tendency to blow her off. People who care too much are almost
worse than people who don't care at all. Sometime I would like to study
people with control issues. In her case I think that she wants control
because she sees things being fucked up and knows there is a better
system out there.
What she hasn't accepted is that beating people over the head with a
sledge hammer does not often win friends. It will influence people,
those who have undermined her intelligence are going to be sorry later. I
don't trust her however I need her help which is why I was willing to
sit in her office and listen to her put down me and others I work with.
What she said was true, my department is ineffective and inefficient. My
boss is always telling us that we are doing a great job. I believe that
she thinks we are however we could be even better than we are currently
if we had the right training.
Winning back people takes time. I need to be going somewhere at my
job or I am going to get more frustrated than I am and I don't want to
quit. I like, maybe even love some of my coworkers. They encourage me, I
can talk to them, they care about me and we can have fun and get things
done. I know my supervisor is frustrated, the lack of communication is
appalling and I hate how each department builds themeselves up and tears
other departments down.
Home is another topic I avoid writing about mainly because it is
frustrating and I don't have answers. The other day my husband and I
fought in front of the girls. It doesn't happen often but my youngest
was crying, my oldest was furious with me and listening to my husband
was sort of like listening to my coworker shred my department. You can
say what you want about a certain person or situation however name
calling is less effective than solutions and coping strategies. I am not
the perfect wife, I am never going to be what he wants, however realizing that and accepting it are two different things.
Driving things seem clear. This is what I need to do if I want
outcome X. Then I get home or arrive at work and my plan starts
unraveling because I am no longer in control of my environment the way I
was in my car. I want to be able to work from home for a day or two
during the week. I think I would get more work done because I would have
fewer distractions. I would save on gas, for the most part I don't mind
the drive. It allows me to decompress but driving is a dangerous past
time.
If I look into the future I can see the people in my family traveling in
different directions. Eventually I will no longer have children living
at home. I don't stay here because of them. I stay because I don't want
to go deeper into debt by moving out. Maybe this is not courageous but
relationships are not always black and white or easily dismissed. A long
time ago someone I know said they knew what the problems were going to
be when this person married their spouse but they underestimated how bad
it would be. That's kind of where I'm
at now.
*I found this cleaning out my scratch pads. I had over four hundred so I decided to go through and do some housekeeping. Cheers!