Any time I get truly
attached mentally to a person, thinking that they are a
kindred spirit, I bind the
core of my being to them. I let them
absorb me, even though usually, they have no idea that I'm being that open with them. I've tried to do this less over the years, since inevitably, some
flaw or
personality trait that is directly opposed to who I am and what I believe in, and I get
crushed. It feels like
betrayal, even though they haven't done anything to me specifically. The person isn't who I thought they were and I feel like I've been
friends with a stranger. Was the entire
friendship just
in my head?
Why did I waste my time on someone who didn't care? I can't really hold my
disappointment against them, since it wasn't a
mutual connection, but I do anyway, since I feel so completely
burned.
The real pain comes from wanting to take it all back, but knowing that I can't. Over the years, I've learned to let those pieces of myself go. But I've also learned that they're never truly gone. Those pieces of myself are detached, gone forever, but the memory of them lingers on eternally. I grow new pieces to fill the gaps. They might not fit as snugly most of the time, but it's enough to make me a complete person again.
This is why I can't stay friends with people for long periods of time. I keep withdrawing back into my shell and cutting myself off from the world. I know I'm not the only one, but sometimes, it feels like it. But then I recover and try again. Time heals all wounds. Maybe not completely in all cases, but enough for life to go on.