Small lights
For as long as I can remember, there have always been lights in the northern skies. Above the glow of a town of people who have no idea I exist and truly no idea the people they know exist. Just themselves, always just themselves. I always think of other things, why things… like why I am not one of these people, I mean, there'll always be the northern lights to me. There will always be something below them that I will never understand. Something below them that I will never be a part of. I used to wish I was different. Not a style or fad, not a smart kid or jock. I just wanted to be everyone and everything and myself at the same time. I wanted my own label. If I could go back and redo all of this, I would. What I've turned myself into is someone who's everyone. Someone who's no one because she's everyone. Someone who knows what's wrong and knows what she's overlooking when she glances at these words, but someone who keeps typing, keeps lying to herself because she was told, when she was becoming who she is now, that things get better. But then again, that's who I am…
I keep thinking about the world and how small it really is. Looking at the big picture, I put myself as the world. I can do this. I can become any face, any type, any one piece of something I can't stand any more. I keep saying 'I need something'.. For once I'd like to know what that something is. Well, I'd like to know what one of those somethings is and I'd like there to only be one. Myself, as the world, is so incredibly tiny that it sometimes hurts to look up. Look up into that empty, distant array of life or less than life that we seem to hold ourselves higher than. I just feel so small tonight, I am small. I may be larger than some people, but my soul shrank this week. I'm so tiny in the huge empty body. I have to lose weight. Not to prove anyone wrong or become the sexiest person alive… simply to make my soul feel less tiny. So small…
When I conclude all this, It'll probably be one of the ones that makes a statement or point. Lately I haven't even been able to write, let alone make a point. I'm so low. I have been since Tuesday and I had to take those tests. That hit me, if I don't pass them, I'm so fucked. Everything's going dizzy now, so I'll make this point while I can hold my head up.
The northern lights for me are either a reflection of the small, small town of small, small people, on a cloudy night or the actual northern lights, chemicals that burn through the atmosphere in vivid colors, flickering and dancing for the small people's enjoyment. Either way, in some form, they come from this earth and the biochemical balance we all hold. When I hold it alone, everything is still very small, but I then compare it to the spots that are hard to look up at. If the world is small to the sky, where does that place us in the mass category?
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