circus peanuts

Evil, orange, super-sugary, peanut-shaped candy that tastes, disturbingly, like bananas. Why do candy companies continue to make this foul substance? Is there anyone out there who actually purchases and eats it? And if so, where do they live, so we may get them the medical and psychological treatment they so desperately need?

Circus Peanuts have a styrafoam-like texture and leave the mouth with a toxic coating.

When I was a small child, I ate circus peanuts at the zoo and vomited near the monkey cages. Orange vomit still reminds me of the zoo 'til this day.

They are repulsive and should have a warning label.

Please don't kill me for eating them. I won't ever do it again, don't worry.

The only way to enjoy these sugary treats is to allow them to sit in an open dish for up to a week, until they are dried out and very hard. Never eat more than 3 or 4 at a time, or you will have datagirl's traumatic experience.

As a member of an anonymous upstanding fraternity, I was no stranger to hazing. Sure, we weren't as bad as most, we didn't spank our pledges with paddles or other such cruelties, however we did do a most memorable activity on the drive to the site of the initiation ceremony.

The pledges would sit in the back seat.

An active or alumni would sit shotgun, preferably a large and well-respected member.

An enormous bag of stale circus peanuts would be handed to the pledges. One word would be uttered by the man driving shotgun, in a slow, gutteral drawl, and a stern finger would be pointed at the bag.

"EAT!"

Sometimes the pledges would decline and the single word would be repeated over and over until they began eating the peanuts.

I also need to mention that this was right after a very large, fancy italian dinner.

We would never tell them to stop eating. If the bag was emptied, we had more.

If they stopped eating, we would look at them sternly and instruct them to eat more and faster. If they said they were going to puke, we pulled over, let them puke, and made them eat more.

By the time we would get to the initiation site, most of the pledges would have gotten sick or were about to be, and every time, half the bag of circus peanuts would be stuffed under the seat cushions, hidden in the pledges' pockets or stuffed in the ashtray.