If you've enabled the thrilling new user poll, some of your settings might be reset, including cool safety, and private message stuff, and other bits. You'll need to go and re-enable or re-tick them in User Settings.

There, was that too fucking hard? Just a quick little announcement, to let people know? Oh no, if they don't notice things have changed in their settings, they must be stupid. Oh no, they should scour the catbox archive for important news, and check all their settings daily, and scrutinise every single character on their old messages, to make sure nothing has changed. Well sorry to fucking bother you, I didn't realise you were all so fucking busy. Some of us don't have 50 million chings per day, and each one is valuable, and it's easy to accidentally click the C link instead of the (thing) link or whatever, we've all done it, which is what the cool safety thing is for. By the way, there's also a livejournal account called everything2, which has announcements occasionally when the site goes down - another thing that "everybody" was supposed to know. Well I fucking didn't until recently, and during Teh Big Downtime many of us just kept seeing that fucking photograph wondering when there would be any news, not because we're sad cunts with no life, not because we're so desperate to hang around on some website, but because we spend time here and write here and chat to our friends here, and it would have been nice if somebody had fucking mentioned it just once. Sorry we're not all Captain Fucking Internet and know everything about fucking everything.

I won't be around much in January, so catch me at james moran at gmail dot com rather than msg'ing. And hey, don't forget - it's all about the people. And writers. Or some shit.

Hello. I am RalphyK. Hear me roar.

Band Aid 20 Sucks Arse

It's official. The new Band Aid single is a great big pile of shit. But it's for charideeeee. And you're a nice person. You don't want those poor starving kiddie-winkies to die. But fuck me, buying that single would suck. The answer: go here http://www.7digital.com/downloads/bandaid/donation.h tm, and donate directly. They get your money, and you don't have to be seen buying a shitty song. Job done. Where was the internet when that godawful Kylie and Jason version (that nobody talks about) was done?

amnesiac - a tribute

Gmail Schmemail

I already have a Gmail user id. But it's boring, it's just my name. I want a cool Gmail user id. I can't decide what to pick. Please help me. Minimum 6 letters, must be short and sweet, preferably one word, something that isn't likely to be taken already, something I can just say to people and never have to spell. I await your suggestions...

If You Have Chinged My Writeup...

...then I'm going to thank you, in a msg, even if it's just "Thanks for the ching". When I first started on e2, I read a writeup saying how tiresome it was to get thanked when chinging someone's writeup, which made me feel really embarrassed and stupid. As a result, I didn't thank many people for several months. I realised later that this was ridiculous. However, now there are some people who chinged me who I didn't thank, but I can't remember who I did or didn't thank. If I didn't thank you, ages ago, I'm sorry - and thank you. But I'm going to thank anybody else who chings me. If you have a problem with that, then don't ching me, I'd rather not have it from you, you miserable bastard. Thanks.

Monkey Update: Send Me Your Monkey Calls! Hear dutchess'!

The fab and groovy dutchess phoned me up to demonstrate her monkey call, which I can confirm is (a) fantastic, (b) hilarious, and (c) very loud. I'm still not convinced that she hasn't actually got a monkey captive, and will be monitoring the situation... But! I hear you shout; we don't want your comedy stylings, Uncle Ralphy, we want to hear the monkey call! Well, you can. Go to www.monkeyshatner.co.uk/monkeycall.html, click on the link, and marvel at the monkey shenanigans. Then go and upvote dutchess' writeups, chinging if you have the power, for truly she is the Monkey Queen. And if you have a monkey call of your own, hell, I'd love to hear it - record it as a wav or mp3, and email it to me at monkeyshatner.co.uk (use me at monkeyshatner etc as the email address). If you can't do that, phone me up (msg for details) and I'll record you myself. If you email it, try to keep it under 700k if possible, or it might not get through and you'll constipate my email rectum. Is that what you want? Cause that's what'll happen...

My Websites

jamesmoran.blogspot.com - my writing blog, with random blahblah and plenty of swearing, too.
www.monkeyshatner.co.uk - my experiments (using Science), silliness, and shenanigans.

Favourite msgs and/or catbox bollocks (catbollocks?):

<amnesiac> the solution to Asylum Seekers are better signs to the Asylum

The Librarian says message received and understood stop acting upon intelligence gathered immediately stop will update when advised of new condition stop god please don't stop

The RalphyK Award for Best Writeup of the Year 2002

I'll have to reproduce it here, as (surprisingly) it was nuked, but not before giving the catbox a bloody good laugh. And the award goes to:

constanant

(idea) by name changed to protect the mistaken

A constanant is a letter of the English alphabet which basically isn't a vowel (aeiou). Therefore, constanants are simply the following letters:

bcdfghjklmnpqrstvwxyz

Interestingly, Webster 1913 doesn't seem to recognise this term, neither does a normal dictionary... I'm sure this term exists - research shows it is featured on a number of web sites as well.

Fabulous, or what? Wouldn't you take it as a massive clue that a word wasn't in any dictionaries you could find? However, the "research" proves that it is, in fact, on several websites - a simple Google search shows current offenders to be a model railway page, a page of tips for aspiring singers (blimey, take their advice with a pinch of salt), and many more. Fans of comedy bad spellings should do Google searches for "cunty council", "accuntants", and "Yorkshite". The message is clear, folks - don't trust the internet. Ever...

Update! 2004 Best Writeup Winner!

paternize

V. To play the societal role of father to someone, usually inappropriately.

Example:"I don't like your condescending paternization of me just because you've been noding longer."

Superb. I don't think there's anything more I need to say. It stands up by itself, proud and aloof yet melancholy, like a casually erect penis with paint stains on it.

Updated homenode! New and improved! Featuring more arse!

-- Life Story --

When I was a child, my planet, Krypton, was dying. To save me, my father sent me into space in a special craft which- no, hang on, that was my cousin Ted.

Born in England, lived in Ireland, and England, and America, and Ireland, and England again. I'm here now. In England. Again.

Now I spend my time as part of a group of Vietnam vets living in the LA underground, framed for a crime they didn't commit. If you need help - and if you can find us - maybe you can- oh, no, hold on, that's my mum.

I like watching programmes about monkeys, especially the silly looking ones that are all arms, and that go "Oo-oo-oo-oo, AHH! AHH! AHH! AHH!" in every single film set in the jungle.

Lately I've been trying to track down the one armed man who killed my wife and framed me for- no, got it wrong again, I see where I've made the mistake, that is in fact the bloke who comes round to sell us milk in bottles.

Anyway, I've said too much. I can't let you leave here alive.

-- My Favourite Writeups --

Star Trek Mishaps - pure, unadulterated genius.
Return of the Jedi - Lord Brawl's writeup. If you listen carefully, you can hear a million kids' hearts breaking...

While I'm on a recommending buzz, go and check out IWhoSawTheFace, because (a) his writeups are shockingly good (every last one of them), (b) he's a top bloke, but mainly (c) he's got naked photos of me and Bea Arthur, you know, *doing* it, and will publish them if I don't mention him here. So go read his stuff. For your own sake.

-- Tell Me Shit --

/msg RalphyK How dare you say that about Robbie Williams, he's a wonderful man - you have no taste at all, etc etc, or use the msg box up the top there.

Alternatively, if you suffer from the delusion that you must send me money, drugs, insults, or even grudging praise, then the voices in your head are correct. The address is me at monkeyshatner dot co dot uk

Don't worry, I don't bite. I use a board with a nail in it instead.