Me: "What's going on that you don't want to hang out with her?"
Her: "She invites herself along and she doesn't shower. She doesn't like the showers here. She has pimples, everywhere, then she picks at them and it is so nasty. She's an attention whore. Nobody likes her except this girl who lives next to her, she doesn't shower either. What should I say when they want to come hang out with us?"
Me: "Tell them - you're more than welcome to accompany us, just hop in the shower, we can leave as soon as you're ready."
***
Me: "You can call me J. You used to call me J-Shizzle all the time. What happened to that?"
Him: "When I first called, I asked if could call you J. You said; 'Jessica is good.' Then I said, 'how about Jess?', and you said, 'Jessica is good.', I talked to a buddy of mine about it. I could sense your discomfort, I thought, if there is discomfort on your end, I will call you Jessica. Jessica is good."
Me: "I do not remember this conversation. Are you sure I wasn't teasing you?"
Him: "You were not. You are the whitest woman and you live in Wisconsin. Who is calling you homie?"
Me: "It's just a joke. I laughed when he said that. The last time we talked you called me racist, I'm just trying to expand my horizons a little. Why do you think I carry that bag around all the time?"
Him: "I can just picture you and your fucking bag. I can tell you what is in there without even looking. Lipstick, tissues, you buy them at the store when they are on sale, pain relievers, headache medicine, first aid supplies, you have half the fucking drugstore in your bag along with a small towel in case anyone needs to be bathed while you are away from home. You have those premoistened wipes and hand sanitizer, cold remedies, cough drops. You have one of those big rectangular wallets, you have a Velcro wallet. It has Ninja Turtles on it. You have an apple or an orange, healthy snacks. A water bottle. A magazine. Maybe a book. A best selling one. I have only seen the one picture of you, but I know that these are the contents of your bag."
Me: "That's how I know who is available. I pull out my Ninja Turtle wallet and see who follows me around the corner. I like my wallet. I think it goes well with my mom jeans."
Him: "Mom jeans. For crying out loud Jessica. Buy some fucking real clothes."
Me: "You can't dress like a whore when you're a prostitute. You dress like a mom and carry a ratty striped bag around, nobody cares what you pack in there. Drugs, sex toys, firearms, I'm a single mom, I've gotta have a side hustle."
Him: "This is why you are the master. Mister Miyagi."
Me: "I'm 43 and I work part time at a grocery store. You're an attorney."
Him: "Wisdom comes from everyday life."
Me: "I would agree with that. Thanks for listening, thanks for calling. I appreciate that."
Him: "There is a saying over here, my mouth is a sugar factory, my head is an ice machine. Everything that comes out of my mouth, it is sweet. But I have to keep a cool head at all times as well. It's like an upside down ice cream cone."
Me: "That's brilliant. I'm going to use that. Sugar factory at the bottom of the ice mountain. It's like a soft serve ice cream machine. A lot of cooling goes into delivering the sweetness."
Him: "People ask me how I can put up with so much shit at work. This is temporary. In a couple months, I'm out of here. Until then, sugar mouth, ice head."
Me: "Thanks homie. Come visit me and my racist child bride whenever you're in the Wisconsin area."
Him: "There is a woman at work I have told you about. I am thinking of a way to distance myself from her. Polite, but not too polite."
Me: "Periodically bring up your girlfriend, buy yourself something and mention that it's from her. Shut that down, do not give her an ounce of encouragement. Treat her like one of the men you work with, get her out of your head."
Him: "I am already doing that. I bring up my girlfriend, I am telling her, and me."
Me: "Good. Keep telling yourself that. Men and women can be friends, but only if the boundary is healthy, intact, and both sides understand where it is. She's not worth it. Relationships are easier when you see each other, this will test the relationship, don't be the guy whose eye wanders as soon as the girlfriend is out of town and away from home. You've got a good thing going, why risk it?"
Him: "Yes, it is hard when I know all I have to do is open the door."
Me: "Close the door very firmly. Lock it, and throw away the key. Once it's in your head, it will work down to your heart. No man can serve two masters. Either he will love one and hate the other, or he will be loyal to one, and despise the other. I know you're not really tempted by her. She's throwing herself at you and that's hard to handle in a work setting."
Him: "How do you know she is throwing herself at me?"
Me: "I am the master. The master knows these things, even from thousands of miles away. You're young, intelligent, you work hard, you're fun, you're sexy, but you want the challenge, you need the chase. This woman is of no interest to you. She's too easy. Nothing good comes easy. If it's good, and it came easily to you, question it. You appreciate the things you work for more than the things that are handed to you."
Him: "It is hard, being the giver, or the receiver, of love."
Me: "Let the love that is already flowing toward you fill you up. Send it back to those you are receiving it from in a healthy manner. This is lust, not love. Never confuse the two. Love is selfless, lust is selfish. She could get you fired from your job. She knows you have a girlfriend, but she is still touching your arm? She is trouble. Stay away from her. She is in lust. If she was in love with you, that would be different, but she's not. She is only thinking about what she can get from you and what you can do for her. That's selfish, and that's very unloving. True love will go through difficult times together and come out stronger on the other side. That's the easy way to tell who loves you, and who is lusting after you. Who stands next to you when the rest of your world comes crashing down around you? Who is by your side in a crisis? Who is unafraid to be impoverished? Who takes care of you when you are ill? Who do you want to be by when they are sick in bed and can do nothing for you? When you want sickness and health, that's a much better test of love than many other things like clothes, cars, and sex. Those are fine, but it's the trials that test the relationship that show you who is worthy of your affections. Hand your heart out to those who are worthy of that treasure. It's priceless. Treat it as such."
***
Me: "What's a walk back?"
Them: "It's when you walk back to the dorms together. Get with it mom."
Me: "We didn't have this term when I was in school. We walked back in alphabetical order, single file, with five feet between each student all times. Nobody was allowed to speak. That's how we walked back to the dorms in my day."
***
Today I met a friend of mine for coffee. She had coffee, I stuck with an orange. I figured I could spare a dollar to hang out with my friend. I've known her for probably twenty years since I moved out here in 1998, but this is the first time we've gotten together when it's just the two of us. It was wonderfully therapeutic to have someone who knows, loves, and understands me listen to things that I am and have been going through. We had a great conversation, I learned that she paints because her mom did, the next time we want to get together to do some painting, she was very encouraging and supportive, it was only an hour, but it was a total game changer, and I'm going to do more of that in the future. We caught up on some of the people we knew, a woman who was a couple years older than I am went through a big weight loss and exercise phase. She gave my friend who is very active and athletic credit for inspiring her, then she had an affair.
I cheated on my spouse when I was in my twenties. He cheated on me when he was in his forties. Both of us were wrong, we did the same thing to the other person, I was very open about the fact that I was not coming home at night, he tried lying to me about it and covering it up, that doesn't make me better than him, it just makes me more honest. I try to be honest with myself because once you start lying to yourself, you can no longer trust yourself. Maybe he wasn't actually sleeping with her, I don't know and I don't care, my point is that you have to have the self respect and love to hold yourself accountable for your actions even if nobody else will. This is one of the very key things about maturity and a way to recognize it. I have a book on who you are when nobody is looking. It's really interesting to see who does what when they think that they won't be caught.
Today I read a bunch of articles on narcissism. I'm not a professional so I don't have to worry about an official diagnosis, apparently these are people that I have trouble with so I'm going to try learning a lesson that I needed many, many years ago. One article I read stated that; "These people (victims) are emotionally generous, empathetic, forgiving, honest, and willing to take responsibility. Narcissists view these qualities as vulnerabilities or weaknesses and use them against their victims. In reality, these qualities are strengths the fragile narcissist is totally void of." The article goes on to talk about how people hope others will change, then they go into relationship amnesia where you 'forget' what it was like to be in a relationship with someone like this. It then addresses 'friction avoiders' who want to get along with others so they leave the door open a crack because they can't handle permanently protecting themselves from future exploitation.
Stover is a new term I learned today. It's short for 'So Totally Over' and it goes through a step by step process of deleting someone from your life. You remove them from your phone, block them, or if that's not possible such as the case with parents who share custody, you put something behind their name to remind you of who they are so you remember and can mentally prepare before you take that call if it's one you absolutely must take (I'm paraphrasing here). They walk you through deleting comments on Facebook so they can't go back to them, unfriending other friends or family members, basically you're shutting down the lines of communication and it must be fully and completely done so there are absolutely no cracks for your abusive partner to crawl back through. The article reminds you that this person is a master of emotional manipulation and a lot of the rest of us have feelings like guilt that they exploit.
The other day I read a great article on the difference between an INFP and an INFJ that went into how they process other people's emotions. An INFP will mirror your emotions back to you, apparently they are experts at this. They aren't actually feeling what you do, it's a reflection process. The INFJ types will absorb emotions. According to this article they are physically feeling whatever someone else is, they may not know what they are feeling, but other people's emotions are impacting them on a visceral level. Today I'm realizing the stunning impact of being someone who is fairly book smart, and emotionally clueless. I can figure things out if someone is laughing, or crying, but if they are just being themselves, I can't really tell if they are happy, or sad, or hurt, a lot of people's faces are just kind of blank slates to me. I look at their features for clues, I try to study them, that usually makes me feel odd so I try not to do this to a creepy extent although I'm sure sometimes I fail.
No matter what they do, a narcissist will find a way to pass the buck or blame someone else. It's never their fault, this can be really subtle and manipulative, like maybe I did forget to run the trash out to the garage and left it by the door instead of putting it into the bin, but if it was their job to take the trash out to the curb, that's not my fault that it didn't get done. I read that these people may have rich fantasy lives where they conjure up the perfect romance, and then since nothing in real life is perfect, they have to find a way to blame their partner who is human and comes with many imperfections. These people think that they deserve special treatment, I've seen this in action too. They should have the nicest shirt, car, vitamins, shoes, but everyone else should be cool with letting them have first pick, or accepting less if it means that they're allowed to have what they want, and they will go to extraordinary lengths to get whatever it is. They have no shame, no guilt, nothing, even if they tell you that they do.
I need to find a way to permanently detach from these people when I encounter them, and in my experience, they come connected to a certain personality type. Two people in particular that I'm thinking about used my insecurities and weaknesses this way. Probably others have as well, but for some reason I have a really tough time believing that this is really true. Whether or not they would qualify for the diagnosis is immaterial to me, there's enough of the warning signs for me to sit up and take note. A lot of pieces clicked into place when I read those articles. I don't easily recognize when I'm being manipulated. I tend to think that others are like I am, I try very hard to recognize when I am being manipulative, and would say that I don't think it's a major flaw of mine. Today at coffee my friend told me that I am very - what you see is what you get. I try to be clear, I try to be direct, I can be subtle, sometimes people have to hit me over the head with a sledgehammer to get things across to me, I can be really slow in certain areas.
One thing I've gotten much better at is recognizing when something is not my issue. I'm a natural born problem solver. I love problem solving, but until more recently I didn't realize the extent that it controls my life. Not everything is my problem. Not all problems have neat, tidy, elegant solutions. Sometimes the solution is to let the problem remain unsolved, and it will get solved without me doing anything to try and fix whatever I thought may have been broken. Today I learned that someone gave me enough rope, and I used it to try and hang myself. Like a knight in shining armor from a long time ago. Fortunately for me I have dealt with the rules and regulations types before. We'll live forever, knowing together, we did it all, for the glory, of love. Today I picked up Jill from school and returned an item that I had bought earlier this month. I had meant to return it earlier, but kept procrastinating because stores are good at selling things.
We drove around for a while, her driving has gotten much better. I think she made a major jump, she's much more confident, more fluid, and more aware of other drivers. The only thing I had earlier was the orange, she asked if I wanted to go out to eat, and I told her that maybe we should. I'm a good parent, I could never make it alone., I try to take advantage of car time to build trust, praise her, and to talk and get to know her better. Today I told my friend how we all just sit around the house and stare at our devices, she says it happens at her house too. There's a bunch of introverts in her family, it made me feel better to hear another parent being very candid about what happens at home although her kids are in sports so I know this isn't happening at her place to the extent that it is here. One cool thing I read about in those articles, this goes back to a conversation I had with my unicorn friend the other day, is that you have to be so focused on loving your amazing self, the toxic people bounce off of your force field.
And I tell myself, the next time, I fall, in love, I'll know better what to do. While we were driving I asked Jill if she thought we weren't white trash enough, I joke around like that with the girls, we have a lot of dark humor in my place, sometimes I'm critical of myself, but that is my sense of humor, and since it's mine, they're used to it. I made the joke as a way of asking if she wanted to go to Wal-Mart, I despise the big box stores, but we were both hungry so I tried to find a way to inject some levity into the situation. The next time I fall in love, it will be, with you. She asked me if a cart was really necessary and I assured her that when you become a mother, you get a book explaining how moms should be Wal-Marting, and Targeting. First you recognize the 'Good Deal', then you 'Stock Up', because this will 'Save Money'. She pointed out a $3 shirt and I told her that shirt cost $3, and if I didn't have shirt on my list when I walked into the store, the shirt was not only costing me money, it wasn't saving me anything.
She told me about the day that the owner of a Porsche drove into where she works. I told her that even people who drive expensive vehicles need to eat, and I said that very often the people who have money have it because they were able to resist what many viewed as necessities or the finer things in life. Meet me halfway, across the sky. We bought a bunch of crap that I ended up paying for because she didn't have cash. I told her she could pay me back, we had a conversation at the register with two women who were talking about living in Las Vegas and California. They were both older and then I was thinking about the trips I've taken to both places. Out where the world belongs to, only you and I. One of the cool things about being me is I kind of roll with a lot of things so Jill and I sat in the parking lot eating chips, salsa, popcorn, guacamole, and pistachios.
On a whim we decided to visit her sister if she was available. It must have been my day for miracles because Jane answered her phone. She told me she couldn't go out to eat because she had to go to the library, but could chat for a few minutes if we stopped by. She came down and ate more food with us. It was pretty crowded in my car by this time, but I told her there was plenty of room. Sometimes I have these perfect parenting moments where it's just me and the girls and we're actually sitting down and talking to each other. Jane asked a guy in her class to the Sadie Hawkins dance at school, he said yes, so apparently they are an item, but they aren't officially dating. She got a hug, but nothing other than that. Last week she had her dental appliance removed, sooner or later she's going to get kissed, we talked about that, I guess a lot of people think that this guy looks like Dustin from Stranger Things so that's what they call him. I've never seen the show, when I saw a picture of him, I didn't see it, but I'll give people the benefit of the doubt.
It was really cute listening to her talk about him. He's short, he has brown hair, he was wearing a red Wisconsin shirt in the picture I saw, I jokingly told her I was going to add him on SnapChat and see how long our streak could last. I slapped her butt and she said she was saving it for him, she made a couple of comments like that, I tend to be a very loyal person, and I'm glad that she is too. I can tell that she's either actually in love, or thinks that she is from the things she's saying and doing. He has the flu, I asked if he needed anything and got weird looks from both girls, but I was just being a concerned mom and I know that they don't get that. His real mom is in Colorado, he has a brother who is in Jill's class, she knows him. Jane said that she likes him because he's funny, nice, and cute, and I was happy that funny and nice made it higher on the list than cute. At coffee my friend and I were talking about not hearing from our children who are away at school. As a parent I want to think that no news is good news, and thankfully it seems to be in her case.
She's adjusted well to school, I want to make up for her having a kind of crappy grade school career, and am glad that she is having a much better high school experience. I went to the same school she does, I had a much harder time fitting in than she does, and I'm so grateful that none of her struggles are things I went through. She likes her roommate, she has a cute guy who likes her back and seems to treat her well. I guess everyone knows about the relationship, she said she was even asked about it in algebra which really surprised me, I can't remember any of my professors making jokes like that when I was in school, but must admit that it's been quite a while and times have undoubtedly changed. We let her keep the rest of the chips and salsa, but took everything else back home. Jill asked if she was being pulled over, I told her she was, but actually she wasn't so that was an interesting experience. She paid for gas voluntarily and I thought that was a very mature decision of hers as well since we had stopped at Wal-Mart partially because she had told me she had a gift card, but it was in the Vera Bradley wallet she lost.
She's incredibly empathetic, her dad's girlfriend told her that, and I'm glad she hears things like that at his place. No matter what our past differences were, and I've forgiven him, I'm glad that we're better for each other and the girls now that we're apart. We tried hard to keep it together. Sometimes, you just have to let go and break free. Unhealthy relationships do not magically become healthier by staying in them. I forgive, but forgiveness does not mean stepping back into the same destructive holding pattern I was in before. He's grown, he's changed. He has a woman he loves that loves him back. They treat me well and it's not a big deal to be at the same place at the same time. My former in-laws accept her, but they are also willing to speak to me and joke around on the rare moments when I do see them. I miss him mom and probably always well. I see a lot of her in my children. She's empathetic, hard working, I think she's beautiful, there's a picture of her when she's about three that reminds me of Jill at that age. I would like that picture, her half-sister has it, and I'm not about to go there.
When I went through pictures I kept some of their dad because by that time, I had gotten over a lot of the hurt and betrayal. I was married to him, but my heart was intact. Everything else was battered and bruised, but my heart was pristine and pure. I had to get divorced to learn about love. How to fall into it, how to recognize it for what it is when I find it, how to avoid things that seem like they could be love, and aren't. How to live without it, how to love myself more, and how to accept, receive, and send it. When I want to send it I think about whoever it is, and just picture loving energy leaving myself and heading toward them. I send messages that I'm thinking about them, and want them to feel safe, warm, and loved even if they are going through a difficult moment. I've never asked anyone if they can tell when I'm doing this, but sometimes my aunt will call and tell me that she was thinking about me at a time when I was sending her love or thinking about her. Taking on the world, that was just my style. I've grown more patient and it's a good thing. I've learned that waiting can be a game, and it doesn't always mean the answer is yes, or no.
Today was really crappy for several reasons that I'm not going to get into here. I've been thinking about what I write, and how much trouble I could get into if things I wrote fell into the wrong hands. I know I can handle whatever comes my way, I also know that it can be very foolish to share very personal and explicitly detailed information with others no matter how much you trust them. The search is over, you were with me all the while. I'm contemplating going back and pulling down everything I've written about the job that I have now. Part of me realizes I have the freedom to write whatever I want, the other part of me knows what would happen if certain members of management found out about this place. Even though I try to avoid using names, it would be a very simple matter for anyone to find me in real life, or vice versa. Today I have a new painting in my head, I found two puzzle pieces that lock together, one of them says 'Me' and it connects to 'You'. I want to do some sort of checkerboard pattern and have those pieces on the painting. I'm going to look into what it would cost to get my own supplies, art is going to become a larger part of my life. I just have to figure out how to work it into my budget that I still need to get.
I need feelers in my life, but I need the right kind. The goal is always healthy, functional, loving, dynamic relationships. Today really restored a lot of faith in myself. No matter what happens later, the girls and I will always have that chilly January afternoon where we ate chips and salsa in the car. This is the kind of thing I want and need in my life. I don't care about watching movies, going out to eat, or things like that, they're fine, but I want those informal cozy conversations were you dive deep into who people are and the problems, hurts, joys, and frustrations that they're experiencing. I'm happy that my daughter seems to have good taste in men. I didn't really care for the last guy my oldest dated, but fortunately she broke things off because she didn't like the way he treated her sister. I thought that was very mature of her. Today I walked around her school for a bit. It reminded me of being in school, the years go by so fast. It seems like just the other day I was writing From five to death and back.
My children are neat and interesting people. I'm an interesting person. Today I went through something that was difficult on several levels, I shed some tears, but I also refused to let that bring me down for long. I hate being bogged down and distressed. People here may not see this side of me much, but in real life I tend to be optimistic and adventuresome. This is one of the places where I go when I need to work through things. I write about the present to help guide me to a better future. I write about the past to help myself understand what happened, how I felt then, how I may be feeling now, and I like it when I can see patterns emerge. I'd love a partner who could fill in some of these gaps for me, that would really help on many levels, for now I'm just happy that I was able to do what I did for myself. I didn't drink anything, I didn't drive too fast, I didn't spend a lot of time beating myself up, or whining to a bunch of my friends although I did some of that too. I didn't dip pineapple spears in cocaine although that may have been fun too. I used healthy coping strategies which means I'm exhausted, so I should probably stop writing and go to bed.
Xoxo,
J
P.S. I once worked with a very wise woman who told me not to let anyone else break my spirit, and to let my children run when they could. Attitude and effort are choices. Today I choose to be loving, resilient, brave, funny, forgiving, spirited, and strategic. Nobody can steal my inner joy. I once heard a powerful sermon that spoke about how you will know God is working in your life when you are persecuted for being and doing right. I needed that reminder today. I'm excited, I learned a cool new thing and I can't wait to start applying these Stover principles to my life. From now on I will automatically, systematically, and fully reject anyone who is less than 100% Team Jess. My California friend who roots for the Dodgers came up with the Team Jess concept. I have an incredible network of supportive, loving, encouraging, and amazing friends, the best thing about going through a crisis situation is you learn fast who is with you when the chips are down. It was a great life lesson, one I'm happy to have had despite the unpleasantness of what went down. Pride, it goes before the fall, but at least I picked myself back up again, and you can too.
All my love,
Jessica J