Alexander the Great and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Day
in the style of the children's story Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day; written for Honors English 11 last year
I left the
battle with
blood in my
helmet and now there's
blood in
my
hair and when I got out of my
armor this afternoon I tripped on a
dead solder and by mistake I dropped my
sword in the
catapult while the
thing was launching and I could tell it was going to be a
terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.
At dinner Aristotle found a
fat juicy rabbit in the tall overgrown
grass and Demetrius found a striking young
buck in the tall overgrown
grass but in my
tall overgrown grass all I found was tall overgrown
grass.
I think I'll move to
Carthage.
In the march my
bodyguard told Homer to have the
left flank. Plato
and Hephestus were told to take the
right flank. I said I was being
scrunched. I said I was being
smushed. I said if I don't get a place
on a
flank I am going to be
homicidal. No one even
saluted.
I could tell it was going to be a
terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.
In battle
Athena liked the
Egyptians' sacrifice of a
lamb better
than my
sacrifice of the
invisible cow. At
praising time she said I
praised too
quietly. After I was done
praying, she said I left out
Zeus.
Who needs Zeus? I could tell it was going to be a
terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.
I could tell because Prometheus said I wasn't his
best battle partner
anymore. He said that Philip was his best
battle partner and
Hector was his
next best battle partner and that I was only his
third
best battle partner.
I hope you sit on a pike, I said to Prometheus. I hope next time
you
attack a
fun-and-easily-killable blind old man your
head part falls
off your
neck part and lands in
Carthage.
There were two
biscuits in Philip's
lunch bag and Perseus got
cooked meat with spices and Prometheus's cook gave him a
lamb's leg
that had been
broiled to perfection. Guess whose cook
forgot to cook the meat?
It was a
terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.
That's what it was, because after
battle my
bodyguards took me to
the
armorer and Corba found
a small hole just in
mine. Come back next
week and
I'll fix it, said Corba.
Next week, I said, I'm going to
Carthage.
On the way through the
forest the thick
brush snapped in my
face
and while we were
waiting for
scouts to go get the
report, Aristotle
made me
fall where it was
muddy and when I started to
swear because of
the
mud Demetrius said I was a
Bronze-ager and while I was
beating
Demetrius for saying Bronze-ager the
scouts came back with the
report
and
laughed at me for being
muddy and
fighting.
I am having a
terrible, horrible, no good very bad day, I told
everybody.
No one even saluted.
So then we went to a
village to
steal some
women. Aristotle chose
a
white one with
brown hair, Demetrius chose a
sunburned one with
blond hair.
I wanted a
freckled one with
red hair, but we couldn't
find one.
There were
none in the
village. They made me take a plain
old hag with green hair, but they can't make me
um...well.. you know..
When we picked up a
general at his
tent he said I couldn't
play
with his
longbow and
arrows, but I forgot. He said to
watch out for
the
maps on his
desk, but I was
careful as could be except for my
sword hand.
He also said
don't fool around with his
carrier pigeon, but I
think I sent it to
Carthage. The
general said please don't
pick him up
anymore.
It was a
terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.
There was
stale bread for
dinner and I hate
stale bread.
There was
flogging on the
field and I hate
flogging.
My
bath was too
cold, I got
blood in my
eyes, my
sword fell in the
river, and I had to wear my
bronze-age armor. I hate my
bronze-age
armor.
When I went to
battle Demetrius
took back the
flail he said I could
keep and the
Spartan Warrior (tm) wooden shield snapped apart and I
stubbed my toe.
The
horse wants to
sleep with Aristotle, not with me.
It has been a
terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
The
general says
some days are like that.
Even in
Carthage.
By
William Aoki, Chris Condrat, and Ryan Merril-Johnson.