Monkey Island Insults

PIRATE: This is the END for you, you gutter-crawling cur!
SWORDMSTR: I've got a long, sharp lesson for you to learn today
GUYBRUSH: And I've got a little TIP for you, get the POINT?

PIRATE: Soon you'll be wearing my sword like a shish-kabob
SWORDMSTR: My sword is famous all over the caribbean.
GUYBRUSH: First you'd better stop waving it like a feather duster

PIRATE: My handkerchief will wipe up your blood.
SWORDMSTR: My name is feared in every dirty corner of this island
SWORDMSTR: I usually see people like you passed-out on tavern floors.
GUYBRUSH: So you got that job as janitor after all.

PIRATE: People fall at my feet when they see me coming
SWORDMSTR: My wisest enemies run away at the first sight of me!
GUYBRUSH: Even BEFORE they smell your breath?

PIRATE: I once owned a dog that was smarter than you.
SWORDMSTR: Only once I've met such a coward.
GUYBRUSH: He must have taught you everything you know.

PIRATE: You make me want to puke
SWORDMSTR: If your brother's like you, better marry a pig.
GUYBRUSH: You make me think somebody already did

PIRATE: Nobody's ever drawn blood from me and nobody ever will!
SWORDMSTR: No one will ever catch ME fighting as badly as you do.
GUYBRUSH: You run that fast?

PIRATE: You fight like a dairy farmer
SWORDMSTR: I will milk every drop of blood from your body
GUYBRUSH: How appropriate. You fight like a cow!

PIRATE: I got this scar on my face during a mighty struggle!
SWORDMSTR: My last fight ended with my hands covered with blood.
GUYBRUSH: I hope you've learned to stop picking your nose.

PIRATE: Have you stopped wearing diapers yet?
SWORDMSTR: I hope you have a boat ready for a quick escape.
GUYBRUSH: Why, did you want to borrow one?

PIRATE: I've heard you were a contemptible sneak
GUYBRUSH: Too bad no one's ever heard of YOU at all

PIRATE: You're no match for my brains, you poor fool.
SWORDMSTR: I've got the courage and the skill of a master swordsman!
GUYBRUSH: I'd be in real trouble if you ever used them.

PIRATE: You have the manners of a beggar
SWORDMSTR: Every word you say to me is stupid.
GUYBRUSH: I wanted to make sure you'd feel comfortable with me.

PIRATE: I'm not going to take your insolence sitting down
SWORDMSTR: You are a pain in the backside, sir!
GUYBRUSH: Your hemorrhoids are flaring up again, eh?

PIRATE: There are no words for how disgusting you are
SWORDMSTR: There are no clever moves that can help you now.
GUYBRUSH: Yes there are. You just never learned them.

PIRATE: I've spoken with apes more polite than you are
SWORDMSTR: Now I now what filth and stupidity really are.
GUYBRUSH: I'm glad to hear you attended your family reunion.

For context, the above insults are from the swordfights from the LucasArts game The Secret of Monkey Island. The combat system works like sword fighting in real life: he who talks the best smack wins. The conventional battles in the game are fought against random wandering pirates (Arrr!), which accounts for the "pirate" insults listed above. After trying these insults in battle for a while, one will eventually run into a pirate that knows the reply. Then you can use these replies in battle yourself, which accounts for the responses above labelled "Guybrush" (Guybrush Threepwood being the protagonist of the game). Then, after one has mastered the various ripostes to the pirate insults, they can be used in battle with the swordmaster, at which point you must struggle to match the various responses Guywood has learned to the insults dealt out. Which is to say that the above writeup, by giving away all the insults, is something of a spoiler. No matter.

An interesting fact about these insults is that the end credits of the game, without fanfare, list the author to be Orson Scott Card! I knew they were a little too good...

The above insults are only the ones in the first Monkey Island game, the Secret of Monkey Island. In the third game, The Curse of Monkey Island, Guybrush acquires a lot of new insults. He gets a ship and learns in his first fight (against Captain René Rottingham) that seafaring pirates have to rhyme their insults. This renders his old ones useless and forces him to learn a whole new repertoire. The fighting style is basically the same as the one described above by frost. Instead of defeating the Swordmaster, you must defeat Captain Rottingham.

PIRATE: Every enemy I’ve met I’ve annihilated!
ROTTINGHAM: My attacks have left entire islands depopulated!
GUYBRUSH: With your breath I’m sure they all suffocated.

PIRATE: You’re as repulsive as a monkey in a negligee.
ROTTINGHAM: You have the sex appeal of a Shar-Pei.
GUYBRUSH: I look THAT much like your fiancée?

PIRATE: You’re the ugliest monster ever created!
ROTTINGHAM: Your looks would make pigs nauseated.
GUYBRUSH: If you don’t count all the ones you’ve dated.

PIRATE; Heavens preserve me! You look like something that’s died!
ROTTINGHAM: Nothing on this earth can save your sorry hide!
GUYBRUSH: The only way you’d be preserved is in formaldehyde.

PIRATE: En garde! Touché!
ROTTINGHAM: Your mother wears a toupee!
GUYBRUSH: Oh, that is so cliché.

PIRATE: Coming face to face with me must leave you petrified!
ROTTINGHAM: Never before have I faced someone so sissified.
GUYBRUSH: Is that your face? I thought it was your backside.

PIRATE: I’ll skewer you like a sow at a buffet!
ROTTINGHAM: Your lips look like they belong on the catch of the day.
GUYBRUSH: When I’m done with YOU, you’ll be a boneless fillet.

PIRATE: You can’t match my witty repartee!
ROTTINGHAM: Nothing can stop me from blowing you away!
GUYBRUSH: I could, if you would use some breath spray.

PIRATE: I’ll hound you night and day!
ROTTINGHAM: You’ll find I’m dogged and relentless to my prey!
GUYBRUSH: Then be a good doggie. Sit! Stay!

PIRATE: When your father first saw you, he must have been mortified.
ROTTINGHAM: You’re a disgrace to your species, you’re so undignified!
GUYBRUSH: At least mine can be identified.

PIRATE: I can’t rest ‘til you’ve been exterminated!
ROTTINGHAM: Your odor would leave an outhouse cleaner irritated.
GUYBRUSH: Then perhaps you should switch to decaffeinated.

PIRATE: I’ll leave you devastated, mutilated and perforated.
ROTTINGHAM: I can’t tell which of my traits has you the most intimidated.
GUYBRUSH: Your odor alone makes me aggravated, agitated and infuriated.

PIRATE: Killing you would be justifiable homicide!
ROTTINGHAM: When I’m done, your body will be rotted and putrefied!
GUYBRUSH: Then killing you must be justifiable fungicide.

PIRATE: I have never seen such clumsy swordplay.
GUYBRUSH: You would have, but you were always running away.

PIRATE: Would you rather be buried or cremated?
ROTTINGHAM: I give you a choice. You can be gutted, or decapitated!
GUYBRUSH: With you around, I’d prefer to be fumigated!

PIRATE: Throughout the Caribbean, my great deeds are celebrated.
ROTTINGHAM: My skills with a sword are highly venerated.
GUYBRUSH: Too bad they’re all fabricated.

These are some insults that Guybrush makes up when he doesn’t know what to say.
Warning: Using these insults will get you killed-or at least make you lose the fight.

My favorite color is battleship gray.
The air’s much less humid around Santa Fe.
I’d have a good comeback, but it’s hard to get motivated.
The hawk and the eagle are both birds of prey.
Chinese food’s best when not monosodium-glutamated.
I think that all criminals should be incarcerated.
I’m more confused than mere words can convey.
My brother is working on a screenplay.
Remember, pedestrians always have the right of way.
I think pirates in training often feel alienated.
I wonder if the rent on my ship is prorated?
I am rubber, you are glue.
Oh yeah?
I’m shaking, I’m shaking!
OK, I give up!