When it's all over, I'll look back on this as the best decision I ever made.


My life swings like a pendulum when it comes to choosing whether or not it's going to be hard on me. I've had many years without stress and difficulties, and I've had just as many that have pushed me right up to my breaking point and held me there, begging that I snap. These days it swings more frequently, yet less violently and looking back on each passing day yeilds mostly positive results. I'm happy.


What grabbed this pendulum by the chain and made the swinging feel less like a deep sea storm and more like a windy day on the lake was the love of a girl, but she's so much more than just a girl.


It's been nine years since the first time we spoke, and though I barely remember any of the intricacies of the conversations we had, I remember how they made me feel, and it was fucking amazing. From the very beginning it felt like she belonged in my life.


Love is something that is without a true definition, for each and all of us love means something different. For me, it's her presence in my life, whether as we were when we first spoke, or how she never let me truly slip away, even when I tried to push people out of my life, or how I felt on the first day we met face to face, the first night we laid side by side, or now, living together and loving each other on a level I don't think I even understand enough to write about. All that I know is that our lives have become permanently entwined and that there's nothing short of the universe collapsing in on itself that could undo that.


This write up doesn't have a specific direction, I just wanted to share this, because I'm in a different place in life than I ever have been, and that's played a major role in my writing, my inspiration and my outlook on the world. She's everything I never had and she's so much more complicated than anything I've ever tried to write about before. All of my writing feels so two dimensional in comparison to who she is, one day I might write the perfect poem, the perfect story, something to explain this all, today is not that day, today I just want to express how important this is, how the last 2 years with her permanently in my life have changed me and how glad I am to have her. 


When it's all over, looking back on this, I just want her to know how much it meant