The Resistance has been destroyed. The fate of America is in the hands of liberals.
Harry Porter, the last hero of The Resistance has been captured and subjected to torture
Gerald Ford has gone on tour in Europe with his Jazz fusion group and no longer trucks with The Resistance
Can a lone inept hero bring balance back to the old republic?
When the saga ends, with this very episode right here, will anything be achieved?
In a time without hope heroes of all shapes and sizes are needed except for heroes who are seriously misshapen.
All of our fates now hang in the balance as Harry Porter faces The Persecutor.

INOFFENSIVE COUNTRY

EPISODE SEVEN: THE LAST CONSERVATIVE

 

Hello. My name is Dr. Peter Brinkman and I have been co-writing this ridiculous series of stories with your friend Berhardt Goats (friends call him Behr).

After a great deal of consideration, and after spending time with Behr and getting inside his head, I have decided that I will no longer be associated with this farce and have told Behr as much. He is crestfallen.

Let me tell you a bit about myself. I am a Associate Professort of Alternate Histories at the University of Harvard. What I do is research alternative histories, alternative realities and alternative facts for purposes of science. I have taken many fanciful journeys in my life but this one has been the most fanciful. I simply can no longer condone or continue to promote the characters, ideas, and distortions that are too frequently a part of this story.

I reached my breaking point when Behr and I got together to discuss the latest episode, "The Last Conservative." In this part, Behr very specifically asked me to help him describe, in graphic detal, a scene in which Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren dine on platters of fetuses. I simply refused to have anything to do with writing this sort of thing. It is a distortion of the truth and is unnecessarily graphic. Once I flagged the scene and told Behr it had to go, he had a temper tantrum and left my offices. I have not seen him since.

Several days ago, after writing "Throw Mondale from the Train," I was confronted by a female reader who berated me over the lack of female characters in the story. Behr proposed a full episode in which "uppity women were dragged off trains, planes, and ships." I told him this was unacceptable and outlined my ideas for Episode Seven, "The Notorious RBG Strikes Back" which also prompted a temper tantrum from Behr who was upset that Notorious RBG got the better of his protagonist, Harry Porter. He also claimed it required too much of a suspension of disbelief for readers to accept a strong female character. I finished the story and posted it regardless, and Behr filed a lawsuit against me for doing so, claiming breach of contract.

I want to apologize to any readers who considered this series to be a valid news report and a reflection of things happening in the world today. Let me make this clear. It is not. It is crap and it isn't worth your time. I was paid five million dollars by Berhardt Goats to help him write this story, and I have returned the money minus my expenses (I have a weakness for happy endings massages). I also maintain two families, one in Maine with four children and the other in Baltimore with two children. It gets expensive and that is why I take jobs like this one, accepting large sums of money to promote a wealthy asshole's ideas, which is actually a fairly accurate reflection of what is going on in our country right now. I won't have any part of it any longer.

I got my start writing obituaries for the Baltimore Sun in 1969 and from there I wrote a children's book called "Why is it Wrong to Rape Grandma?" which sold poorly but had a good message for kids. Apparently it stirred up a lot of controversy and was pulled off bookshelves three days after it hit the shelves. Since then I have written a lot of scripts that were returned unopened from Hollywood and have written some fetish porn scripts that were made, although I was not credited. Since then my resume has been very thin.

For those interested in knowing how the story was supposed to end, it opened with Harry Porter being brought before Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren who have become extreme Stalinists with absolutely nothing in common with who they are, and that is without mentioning them eating fetuses in a scene Behr clearly lifted from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Leave it to Behr to steal a scene from the worst movie in a legendary franchise. As we say here in Charm City, "That's just Behr being Behr."

After meeting Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren and going through a very drawn out and disgusting fetus dining room scene, Harry Porter is tortured and killed, becoming a martyr, although to whom is uncertain. That was all the material he gave me and told me to "Just make it work somehow" and then went outside to feed squirrels.

So, if you were looking forward to this final installment, it just isn't happening. And if your marriage was depending on this episode, I'm sorry, but that is a ridiculous thing to make your marriage depend on. Try to expand your relationship, explore each other's feelings, and gain a greater understanding of each other. Don't say "We'll stay married if this story turns out okay." Please.

The science of alternative history has little to do with this story. It is a serious and principled science. It studies the "What ifs?" and "Why nots?" of history. It does not make caricatures of real people in order to torture them, kill them, drag them through trains violently, and misrepresent their values. I regret having been a part of this.

You should form your own opinions and develop your own values, not let them be dictated by anyone else, especially Berhardt Goats, who is a terrible role model. He can't even get out of the Inner Harbor without help. This man has murdered people, tortured people, attacked women, attacked a water buffalo at one point, and done other horrible things. He is not a role model. You can forgive him to some extent because he grew up in a house attached to the Berlin Wall with an abusive mother and a father who was never present. This does not excuse all his behavior, however, or this story. If you need a role model, please look elsewhere. Behr isn't it.

Thank you and goodnight.

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